What did the deranged vegetarian say?
“Kale! Kale! Kale!” (Draw out to sound like “Kill”)
Who is a chicken’s favorite Pokémon trainer?
How did Squirtle know that his trainer was crying?
She was Misty eyed.
What do you call a farting Robot?
Who are the newscasters of the sea?
How did the pastor hold his pants up?
With his bible belt.
What is the smelliest part of a computer?
The CPU. (C-pee-yew)
What late music icon got his start floating in the ocean?
David Buoy. (David Bowie)
What do you call a smart robot?
Adroit (A droid)
What kind of fish did the lonely fisherman want to catch?
A cuddlefish (cuttlefish).
What kind of food satisfies lonely hearts?
What did the astronomers of the IAU tell Pluto when they demoted it?
They told it they wanted their relationship to be Plutonic. (Platonic)
What did the lonely entomologist hope to find during her field work?
A love bug.
What was the real reason Helen of Troy’s face launched 1000 ships?
It was war-ty.
What did the baby ball want to be when it grew up?
Why did the comedian decide he could be a boxer?
Because of his great punchlines!
How do racecar drivers listen to music?
On their 8-tracks. (Ask you parents!)
What did the Cadbury Crème egg say to the Easter Bunny?
Have you seen my Peeps?
What breed of dog do plumbers hate?
Pooh-dles. Another breed also comes to mind—ahem.
Who did the caterpillar ask to measure him?
What did the pumpkin farmer do in her spare time?
She played the A-gord-ian. (Accordion)Why did the doctor break off her relationship with the flight attendant?
He was just too flighty.
What does the Ninja Turtle Rapheal do when he’s feeling blue?
He sais. (Sighs)
What do you call a ghost with a runny nose?
A little boo-ger.
What droid has to clean the bathrooms on the Deathstar?
How do you identify elephant trees?
By their trunks.
Where do you find lawyer fish?
At sue-shi restaurants. (Sushi)
What pet can you buy at a computer store?
What farm animal do you buy at the computer store?
How did the farmer break his computer?
He tried to install his Ram.
Why do video games make people happy?
Because of the joysticks.
How can you identify monsters that want to work for Google?
By their googley-eyes.
What classic arcade game does Old Mac Donald play on his farm? Donkey Kong.
What do you call a bunch of old arcade games?
What is a hunter’s favorite dessert?
How does a dentist mine for gold?
With a toothpick and drill.
Why did the momma dragon tell her baby to hurry up?
Because he was a little draggin’.
What hair crème tastes the best?
What did the dentist tell the psychic-type trainer?
That he had Gengar-vitis. (Gingivitis)
How do you put a steak to sleep?
On a bed of lettuce.
What Pokemon’s can also be used to flavor stew?
What Pokemon is the president of the Poke-verse?
What monster is essential on a farm?
What game company is known for their plumbing?
What Pokemon is friends with the nuns?
How did the gymnast please his coach?
By bending over backwards.
Who is the best listener on the farm?
The Corn—they are all ears.
What did the cartoon do when it failed to entertain people?
It went back to the drawing board.
What did the moon say when it finished its shift?
I think I’ll call it a day.
What vegetable grows best indoors?
The couch potato.
Why did the bald man go to his barber?
He wanted to cut a rug.
Why did the guitar join the gym?
It wanted to be fit as the fiddle.
What did the musician pay for his house?
He got it for a song.
Why was Mr. Potato Head chosen to stand guard at the toy store?
He has eyes in the back of his head.
How did the truck driver break his hand?
By hitting the road.
Why was the sailor skillful at hurdles?
He had practice jumping ship.
Why did the animal control officer lose her job?
She let the cat out of the bag.
Why didn’t Einstein believe that randomness rules the universe?
He thought there was a method to the madness.
What did the momma fish warn her fry about worms?
That if you eat one, you won’t get off the hook.
Why was the farmer mad at his son?
He found him hitting the hay.
Why couldn’t the lepidopterist give her scheduled lecture?
Because of the butterflies in her stomach. (Yes, perhaps she ate them)
Why did the cardiologist know he had forgotten something after his surgery?
The patient’s heart was on his sleeve.
What was the fate of the clumsy window washer?
He was bound to kick the bucket.
What did the mole-mother say to her young when a tom-cat walked by?
She told him to shut his hole.
Why was the Eskimo so calm?
He had taken a chill pill.
Why did the egret decide to retire?
She’d built up a nest egg.
Why did the house built on the San Andres fault crumble to dust?
It was divided (by an earthquake) and could not stand.
Why did the boy spend his allowance on pennies?
Because they were a dime a dozen. And a penny saved is a penny earned! (Double idiom!)
Why did the young artist submit a picture essay?
She wanted to lower her word count (and a picture paints 1000 words)
What did the arborist say about the dogwood tree?
Not to worry because it was all bark and no bite.
Why do sailors on sinking vessels tend to get a long?
They are all in the same boat.
How did the potato tell the apple of his love?
He said she was the apple of his eyes.
How quickly should a butler bring a gentleman his hat?
As soon as it drops.
What do you call a stiff horse?
What did the editor say to the pulp writer?
Orange you going to cut to the chase?
How did the farm boy ace his test?
By hitting the books instead of the hay.
Where do you send a troublemaking kitten?
To the kitty-corner.
How did Vincent van Gogh lose his friend?
He asked him to lend an ear.
Why did the FBI agent go see the baker?
He needed a secret pie-dentity.
Here lies the body of Captain Kirk,
Who called one too many Klingons “jerk.”
Here lies the body of old Ham Wiggs;
He lost his life to a hairy pig.
Why wouldn’t the father teach his son to tie his shoes?
His parenting philosophy was lace-a’faire. (Laissez-faire)
Here lies the body of lazy Chester,
Who let a hang-nail rot and fester.
Here lies the body of Mobster Mitch,
Who found his way into a ditch.
Here lies the body of Felix Murten;
He was dead (they were almost certain).
Here lies the body of the jouster Dutton;
He choked to death on fatty mutton.
Here lies the vessel of Ziggy Stardust,
Who with the earth was, sadly, nonplussed.
Here lies the body of a Mosquito,
Who thought that, on me, he could feed-oh.
(Perhaps he mistook me for a Cheeto).
What do you call an orange without a tree?
Little orphan orangey.
How is a good cat like a bad cupboard?
They both have mice inside them.
How is a fisherman like a giraffe?
They both share tall tales.
Why did the potato always watch television?
Because he was a tuber.
Why didn’t Bruce Wayne trust Harvey Dent?
Because he was a little two-faced.
What’s the best way to fight the dogs of war?
What did the boxer learn in school?
The Sock-ratic method.
Who was Plato’s boxing teacher?
What do you feed a beaver with a sweet tooth?
If the early bird gets the worm, what does the early worm get?
What breed of dog is a favorite of plastic surgeons?