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Funny Dirty Jokes – Best Compilation Dirty Jokes around the internet

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A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks “how did you do?”. She says, “I did pretty well, I made $200.50”. He asks, “What asshole gave you 50 cents?” and she replies “all of them”.
A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, “Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute.”
The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, “Oh no, absolutely not! I can’t get married to you!”
The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, “Please don’t leave me – surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a whore…”
The man sits down and says, “Oh, that’s fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant.”
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’ll hate it as an adult.
What’s the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
— The fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out.

 

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, “Make love to me like in the movies.”
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.
I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

 

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

 

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry; that was an insect.” To which, her daughter replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.”

 

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says “Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!”.
to which the second hobo replies: “oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day”
“Did you get a blow job?”
“Naw, I couldnt find her head”

 

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.
The teacher says, ‘Save the children!’
The lawyer yells, ‘FUCK THE CHILDREN!’
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, ‘Is there time?’

 

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

 

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
“You must be single.” the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, “Yes I am. How could you tell?”.
“Because you’re ugly”.

Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes.

 

So I’m in bed with this chick and we’ve been laying there for some time, so I go: “Hey, are we gonna fuck or what?” “You’re being a bit presumptuous.” She says. “Presumptuous? That’s a big word for an 8 year old!”

 

I used to be a necrophile, until some rotten cunt split on me.

 

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian’s shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: “Do you want to buy a caterpillar?”

 

A Jewish boy goes up to his mom and asks “Can I have twenty dollars to go to the movies?” She replies “Fifteen dollars? Since when does it cost ten dollars to see a movie?”

What does two rice grains in the sink mean?
A Somalian has been up all night vomiting.

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I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

Check also : Good Night Texts For her

Good Night Texts For Him

Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you fucker!” He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, ‘fuck off it’ll be too painful.'”

 

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.” Wife replies, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.” Man replies, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”

 

What’s white on top and black on bottom?  — Society

 

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, “OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!” To which the doctor replies, “April Fool’s! It was already dead!”

————–>  Best Clean Funny Jokes <————-

A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. “You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain,” said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional “he will get over it,” and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump – Thump – squish – Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams “What the hell are you doing?” The boy replies, “It’s not so funny when its your mom, is it?”

 

I like my women how I like my coffee….
….ground up and in the freezer.
I like my women how I like my scotch….
….twelve years old and mixed up with coke.

 

A girl in a bar said to me, “I wouldn’t fuck you if you were the last person alive.” Leaning over and whispering, I replied, “But who would be around to stop me?” Wiped the smug look right off her face.

 

What does a Somalian do with twenty rice grains?
Open up a supermarket

 

I can’t see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It’s just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Cunt.
What is the difference betwean a baby, and an orange?
. .. … about 500 calories

A man walks into a bar with a monkey, he sits down and orders a beer. The monkey runs around from chair and table – he goes crazy jumping all over then leaps up on to the pool table, picks up the cue ball and eats it. The bartender, furious over the monkey’s behavior yells, “Hey! Your monkey just ate my cue ball! Now get out of here and take that animal with you.” The man gets up apologizes and leaves.
On week later the man comes back to the bar with the monkey. He sits down and and orders a beer. The monkey starts up again, jumping all over, swings around and lands on the bar. In front of him is a bowl of grapes, he picks up a grape, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it.
The bartender who had been watching the whole event, is livid, he yells, “Dood, that it disgusting! Why did your monkey just stick a grape up his ass , pull it back out, then eat it??
The man replied, “Ever since that cue ball, he makes sure everything fits.”

 

Two men are in bed together after having sex. One turns to the other and asks, “Are you a pedophile?”. The other man replies, “Wow, that’s a pretty big word for an eight year old”
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you told her twice already.
How do you get your dishwasher to start working again? Kick her.
A Jewish kid asks his dad, “Dad, can I have five dollars?” The dad replies, “Four dollars? What do you want three dollars for?”

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A soldier is on patrol in Afghanistan and he comes upon an Afghan farmer at his farm. He looks around and then approaches the farmer.
“How is everything here on your farm? Are you treating your animals well?”
“Yes,” replies the Afghan, “very well.”
“Great,” says the soldier. He looks over and sees a cow in the barn. “You mind if I ask the cow how you’re treating her?”
“Cow no talk,” says the farmer.
Regardless, the soldier approaches the cow and starts chatting with it, asking it how things are going. “Well, he takes good care of me. He milks me every morning and keeps us in good pastures with good grass to eat. I’m doing just fine.”
The farmer’s mouth is agape as he cannot believe what he is hearing! The soldier returns to the farmer’s side and asks, “How bout the horse? Can I chat with him about the farm?”
Again the farmer replies, “Horse no talk.” But the soldier approaches the horse, asks him how things are, and the horse says, “Things are pretty good. The farmer brings me fresh hay every week and we go riding every Friday to check the fences. Not bad at all, very happy to be here.”
The farmer nearly can’t believe his own eyes and ears. He is scratching his head in bewilderment as the soldier returns.
The soldier says, “So, how about I talk to one of your sheep…”
The Afghan farmer breaks in quickly, “Sheep lie! Sheep lie!”

 

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Two gay guys are having sex and the phone rings. One guy goes to answer the phone and tells his partner, “Hey. Don’t finish yourself until I get back.” After returning from the phone call, there is cum all over the wall of the bedroom. “Jesus, Chris, I said not to finish yourself until I got back!” The man turns to him and says, “I didn’t, I farted.”
edit: grammar

Two sperms are having a race. One sperm says, “Fuck me all this swimming is knackering me, how long till we reach the womb?” The second sperm says, “Fucking long way to go yet mate – we’ve only just gone past her tonsils!”

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do? Stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
What’s the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheelchair.
Once i went to visit a psychic. I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it?” So I left. (Heard that a long time ago on TV but forgot who said it)

What did the black kid say when he had diarrhea? … “I’m melting!”

Q: What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A: The pilot, you racist!

So Michael Jackon’s at the beach and a lady says, “excuse me sir, you’re in my son.”

What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson molests little boys.

Q: What do you call a college educated African-American who has never been to prison, is active in his community, and lives a normal upper-middle class life with his wife and 2 kids?
A: A nigger.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it!

How do you get a nun pregnant?
.ʎoq ɹǝʇ1ɐ uɐ sɐ dn ɹǝɥ ssǝɹp

A 15 yo boy comes home at 11pm. His father is mad as hell: “I told you to be back at 8! Now it’s 11pm! Where the hell have you been? I was worried sick!” – “Yes, I know dad, I’m sorry, but tonight is different. It was the first time I had sex!” – “But… but… son, that’s wonderful! You’re right, that’s totally different! Come, let’s sit down in the kitchen, drink some orange juice and talk about it!” – “Orange juice sounds great, but sitting down…”

what’s the difference between jam and jelly?
you can’t jelly your dick into a vagina.

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s pretty neat! Where did you get that?” Parrot says “go down to Africa, there’s millions of em!”

How long does it take a black woman to take a shit?
9 months.

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump and swim is already in the U.S.

what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?
roberto!

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