99 Jokes for Kids: Pokemon Jokes, Pop Culture Jokes, Puns, and Rhymes

What did the deranged vegetarian say?

Kale! Kale! Kale!” (Draw out to sound like “Kill”)

 

Who is a chicken’s favorite Pokémon trainer?

Braak!”

 

How did Squirtle know that his trainer was crying?

She was Misty eyed.

 

What do you call a farting Robot?

C3-PU. (C-3-pee-yew)

 

Who are the newscasters of the sea?

CNN-ameas.

 

How did the pastor hold his pants up?

With his bible belt.

 

What is the smelliest part of a computer?

The CPU. (C-pee-yew)

 

What late music icon got his start floating in the ocean?

David Buoy. (David Bowie)

 

What do you call a smart robot?

Adroit (A droid)

 

What kind of fish did the lonely fisherman want to catch?

A cuddlefish (cuttlefish).

 

What kind of food satisfies lonely hearts?

Love muffins.

 

What did the astronomers of the IAU tell Pluto when they demoted it?

They told it they wanted their relationship to be Plutonic. (Platonic)

 

What did the lonely entomologist hope to find during her field work?

A love bug.

 

What was the real reason Helen of Troy’s face launched 1000 ships?

It was war-ty.

 

What did the baby ball want to be when it grew up?

A bouncer.

 

Why did the comedian decide he could be a boxer?

Because of his great punchlines!

 

How do racecar drivers listen to music?

On their 8-tracks. (Ask you parents!)

 

What did the Cadbury Crème egg say to the Easter Bunny?

Have you seen my Peeps?

 

What breed of dog do plumbers hate?  

Pooh-dles. Another breed also comes to mind—ahem.

Who did the caterpillar ask to measure him?

The inchworm.

 

What did the pumpkin farmer do in her spare time?

She played the A-gord-ian. (Accordion)Why did the doctor break off her relationship with the flight attendant?

He was just too flighty.

What does the Ninja Turtle Rapheal do when he’s feeling blue?
He sais. (Sighs)

What do you call a ghost with a runny nose?

A little boo-ger.

 

What droid has to clean the bathrooms on the Deathstar?

TP-3-0.

 

How do you identify elephant trees?

By their trunks.

 

Where do you find lawyer fish?

At sue-shi restaurants. (Sushi)

 

What pet can you buy at a computer store?

A mouse!

 

What farm animal do you buy at the computer store?

A RAM

 

How did the farmer break his computer?

He tried to install his Ram.

 

Why do video games make people happy?

Because of the joysticks.

 

How can you identify monsters that want to work for Google?

By their googley-eyes.

 

What classic arcade game does Old Mac Donald play on his farm? Donkey Kong.

 

What do you call a bunch of old arcade games?

Pack-Man. (Pacman)

 

What is a hunter’s favorite dessert?

Chocolate Mousse.

 

How does a dentist mine for gold?

With a toothpick and drill.

 

Why did the momma dragon tell her baby to hurry up?

Because he was a little draggin’.

 

What hair crème tastes the best?

Chocolate mousse.

 

What did the dentist tell the psychic-type trainer?

That he had Gengar-vitis.  (Gingivitis)

 

How do you put a steak to sleep?

On a bed of lettuce.

 

What Pokemon’s can also be used to flavor stew?

Bayleef.

 

What Pokemon is the president of the Poke-verse?

Obamasnow. (Abomasnow)

 

What monster is essential on a farm?

The Zom-bee.

 

What game company is known for their plumbing?

Valve.

 

What Pokemon is friends with the nuns?

Cloyster.

 

How did the gymnast please his coach?

By bending over backwards.

 

Who is the best listener on the farm?

The Corn—they are all ears.

 

What did the cartoon do when it failed to entertain people?

It went back to the drawing board.

 

What did the moon say when it finished its shift?

I think I’ll call it a day.

 

What vegetable grows best indoors?

The couch potato.

 

Why did the bald man go to his barber?

He wanted to cut a rug.

 

Why did the guitar join the gym?

It wanted to be fit as the fiddle.

 

What did the musician pay for his house?

He got it for a song.

 

Why was Mr. Potato Head chosen to stand guard at the toy store?

He has eyes in the back of his head.

 

How did the truck driver break his hand?

By hitting the road.

 

Why was the sailor skillful at hurdles?

He had practice jumping ship.

 

Why did the animal control officer lose her job?

She let the cat out of the bag.

 

Why didn’t Einstein believe that randomness rules the universe?

He thought there was a method to the madness.

 

What did the momma fish warn her fry about worms?

That if you eat one, you won’t get off the hook.

 

Why was the farmer mad at his son?

He found him hitting the hay.

 

Why couldn’t the lepidopterist give her scheduled lecture?

Because of the butterflies in her stomach. (Yes, perhaps she ate them)

 

Why did the cardiologist know he had forgotten something after his surgery?

The patient’s heart was on his sleeve.

 

What was the fate of the clumsy window washer?

He was bound to kick the bucket.

 

What did the mole-mother say to her young when a tom-cat walked by?

She told him to shut his hole.

 

Why was the Eskimo so calm?

He had taken a chill pill.

 

Why did the egret decide to retire?

She’d built up a nest egg.

 

Why did the house built on the San Andres fault crumble to dust?

It was divided (by an earthquake) and could not stand.

 

Why did the boy spend his allowance on pennies?

Because they were a dime a dozen. And a penny saved is a penny earned! (Double idiom!)

 

Why did the young artist submit a picture essay?

She wanted to lower her word count (and a picture paints 1000 words)

 

What did the arborist say about the dogwood tree?

Not to worry because it was all bark and no bite.

 

Why do sailors on sinking vessels tend to get a long?

They are all in the same boat.

 

How did the potato tell the apple of his love?

He said she was the apple of his eyes.

 

How quickly should a butler bring a gentleman his hat?

As soon as it drops.

 

What do you call a stiff horse?

Charley.

 

What did the editor say to the pulp writer?

Orange you going to cut to the chase?

 

How did the farm boy ace his test?

By hitting the books instead of the hay.

 

Where do you send a troublemaking kitten?

To the kitty-corner.

 

How did Vincent van Gogh lose his friend?

He asked him to lend an ear.

 

Why did the FBI agent go see the baker?

He needed a secret pie-dentity.

 

Here lies the body of Captain Kirk,

Who called one too many Klingons “jerk.”

 

Here lies the body of old Ham Wiggs;

He lost his life to a hairy pig.

 

Why wouldn’t the father teach his son to tie his shoes?

His parenting philosophy was lace-a’faire. (Laissez-faire)

 

Here lies the body of lazy Chester,

Who let a hang-nail rot and fester.

 

Here lies the body of Mobster Mitch,

Who found his way into a ditch.

 

Here lies the body of Felix Murten;

He was dead (they were almost certain).  

 

Here lies the body of the jouster Dutton;

He choked to death on fatty mutton.

 

Here lies the vessel of Ziggy Stardust,

Who with the earth was, sadly, nonplussed.

 

Here lies the body of a Mosquito,

Who thought that, on me, he could feed-oh.

(Perhaps he mistook me for a Cheeto).

 

What do you call an orange without a tree?

Little orphan orangey.

 

How is a good cat like a bad cupboard?

They both have mice inside them.

 

How is a fisherman like a giraffe?

They both share tall tales.

 

Why did the potato always watch television?

Because he was a tuber.  

 

Why didn’t Bruce Wayne trust Harvey Dent?

Because he was a little two-faced.

 

What’s the best way to fight the dogs of war?

With catapults.

 

What did the boxer learn in school?

The Sock-ratic method.

 

Who was Plato’s boxing teacher?

Socrates.

 

What do you feed a beaver with a sweet tooth?

Cinnamon sticks.

 

If the early bird gets the worm, what does the early worm get?

Eaten.

 

What breed of dog is a favorite of plastic surgeons?

Schnozzer.  (Schnauzer)

 

Thanks giving quotes 2016

50 Quotes  for Heartfelt Thanks giving Toasts 2016

Welcome to goodmorningjokes.com

John Wooden

Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.thanks-giving-2016-34

Ernest Hemingway

Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with

what there is.

thanks-giving-2016-33

Meister Eckhart

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.thanks-giving-2016-32Frank A. Clark

If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s

going to get.

thanks-giving-2016-31

William Arthur Ward

Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy,

and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.thanks-giving-2016-30

Theodore Roosevelt

Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us,

and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in

deeds.thanks-giving-2016-29

Marcel Proust

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners

who make our souls blossom.thanks-giving-2016-28

Neal A. Maxwell

We should certainly count our blessings, but we should also make our blessings

count.thanks-giving-2016-28

Elbert Hubbard

I would rather be able to appreciate things I cannot have than to have things I am not

able to appreciate.thanks-giving-2016-27

Oscar Wilde

After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.

William Arthur Ward

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is lil wrapping a present and not giving it.thanks-giving-2016-26

Seneca

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

Thornton Wilder

We can only be said to be alive in those moment when our hearts are conscious of

our treasures.thanks-giving-2016-25

Albert Einstein

There are only two ways to live your live. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The

other as is though everything is a miracle.thanks-giving-2016-24

W.T. Purkiser

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of

our thanksgiving.

William Shakespeare

Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.thanks-giving-2016-23

Read thanks giving 2016  

Frederick Keonig

We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we

don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.

Betty Smith

Look at everything as though you were seeing it for the first or the last time, then

your time on earth will be filled with glory.thanks-giving-2016-22

William Faulkner

Gratitude is a quality similar to electricity: It must be produced and discharged and

used up in order to exist at all.thanks-giving-2016-21

John F. Kennedy

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not

to utter words, but to live by them.thanks-giving-2016-19

Wilbur D. Nesbit

Forever on Thanksgiving Day the heart will find the pathway home.

KATJA CHO

Good Morning Funny

Good Morning Funny

good morning jokes

——- Good Morning Funny —–

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: “Nine.” Good Morning .

good morning funny

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

 

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

 

I wanted to grow my own food but I couldn’t get bacon seeds anywhere.

 

Important note from a car manual:

Backing rapidly at a tree significantly reduces your trunk space.

 

Doctor: You’re obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion.

Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

 

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.

 

Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!

Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?

Bishop: It is the 16th, though.

Funny Jokes to Tell a Girl

Funny Jokes to Tell a Girl

Mike, to a blonde at the bar: “It’s rude to interrupt a man when he’s talking to his wife.”
Sara: “Wife?”
Mike: “I’m working on it.”
Sara: “You’re awful sure of yourself.”
Mike: “You too.”

“If I were to lay eleven roses next to you, you’d make the perfect dozen.”

Man: “Excuse me?”
Woman: “Yea?”
Man: “Would you touch this?” (holds out his sleeve)
Woman: “Ok, why?”
Man: “Does that not feel like boyfriend material?”

“What is the difference between like and love?” Answer: “Spit and swallow.”

funny jokes to tell a girl

“If Santa comes down the chimney this year and tries to stuff you in his sack, don’t worry, because I wished for you for Christmas.”

“There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but nothing compared to you.”

“Every night I go home crying because I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see you again.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, the sun is hot, and so are you.”

“Let’s commit the perfect crime; I’ll steal your heart, and you steal mine.”


Here is an another set

Funny jokes to tell your girlfriend

  1. Mike, to a blonde at the bar: “It’s rude to interrupt a man when he’s talking to his wife.” Sara: “Wife?” Mike: “I’m working on it.” Sara: “You’re awful sure of yourself.” Mike: “You too.” This joke is funny and flirty too. It shows that you are interested in your girlfriend and think she could one day be your wife. This joke could possibly sweep a woman off of her feet.
  2. “If I were to lay eleven roses next to you, you’d make the perfect dozen.” This joke is just really sweet. Every woman wants to be complimented. Telling your girlfriend that she is perfect and like a rose is a great compliment. Your girlfriend will swoon over this line.
  3. Man: “Excuse me?” Woman: “Yea?” Man: “Would you touch this?” (holds out his sleeve) Woman: “Ok, why?” Man: “Does that not feel like boyfriend material?” This joke is very funny, but cute. It would actually work to show that you want to be good boyfriend material for your girlfriend. She will see that you have a sense of humor and love this flirty joke.
  4. “What is the difference between like and love?” Answer: “Spit and swallow.” This joke is flirty and suggestive. It will show your girlfriend that you are humorous. It could also make her laugh. Every woman adores a man with a good sense of humor.
  5. “If Santa comes down the chimney this year and tries to stuff you in his sack, don’t worry, because I wished for you for Christmas.”This joke is just very funny. It is sweet as well. All women want to feel wanted. If you tell your girlfriend this joke, she will know that you truly want her. This will win you major bonus points.
  6. “There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.” Every woman loves a good compliment. If a man tells his girlfriend he cannot take his eyes off of her, it is going to boost her self esteem. She is going to feel attractive and wanted.
  7. “Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but nothing compared to you.” With this joke, you will sweep her off of her feet. Letting your girlfriend know that nothing compares to her is very important. She will feel so special and wanted, it could win you a big kiss.
  8. “Every night I go home crying because I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see you again.” This flirty joke is very sweet. Women want to know that you want them. They want to know that you are paying attention to them as well. Letting her know that you want to see her every day will win over her heart. She will see that you are totally into her. This is a great way to make your girlfriend feel good about herself.
  9. “Roses are red, violets are blue, the sun is hot, and so are you.” Telling a woman she is hot will make her feel great. All women want to feel attractive. Most women feel self-conscious about themselves. Telling her she is hot as the sun will show her that you are attracted to her. It will boost her self esteem as well. This one is a win-win situation.
  10. “Let’s commit the perfect crime; I’ll steal your heart, and you steal mine.” With this flirty joke, you will show your girlfriend that she has stolen your heart, and you are stealing hers. Most women are looking for someone to steal their heart away. When you say this, she is going to be head over heals for you.

Jokes for kids to tell at school

jokes for children

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

 

Q: Why was the lettuce embarrassed when it opened the refrigerator door?

A: It saw the salad dressing.

 

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: Look for the fresh prints.

  1. What do yo do if you see a spaceman?

A: Park in it, man.

 

Q: What’s invisible and smells like carrots?

A: Rabbit farts.

Incoming search terms :funny children jokes,funniest jokes for kids,jokes for 5 year olds.